I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize