he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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