she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
