thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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