Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
