A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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