this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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