This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
