before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
