I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
