When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize