I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
