i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
