I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
