So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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