Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
