Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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