Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
