If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
