He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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