i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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