And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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