I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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