I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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