i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
