My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
