Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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