Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
