I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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