youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
