Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
is it fun? or sober?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
