Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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