ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
