pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
