her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
