She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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