am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
