my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
