I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
