spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
