i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
