The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
send nudes
from the living room?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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