dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
