i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
