there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
