I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
it was like eating out sand paper
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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