I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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