If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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