You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
