never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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