Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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