Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
