3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So much rum. So many feels.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
