yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
