You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Your tits are I can't wait for
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
