We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
