Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
