so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
