Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
