she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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