I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
