he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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