there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
