i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
