I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
