why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
