I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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