I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
