My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
