I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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