I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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