white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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