can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
