she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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